A long time has passed since I last journaled.  Basically, Oliver was born, and it's gotten harder and harder to consistently meditate each day.  I'll find stretches where I can do it, but stretches where I can't are common enough.  The reason is that our mornings are largely spoken for (yes, even to the minute, let alone 10–20 minutes), and I don't feel comfortable meditating and leaving Oliver alone.

Anyway, I'm getting back into it with the original Take 10 series, and it's feeling great!  One thing I noticed today is that I do feel like I can be present and curious with each breath in a way I couldn't before.  Like, the idea was to treat each breath as something new, but I kind of had to force that idea, because a part of me felt, "But really this is almost identical to the last breath.".  I might have been missing the forest for the trees, looking too close to the breath, rather than focusing on the experience of the breath, which really did feel new each time today.

Pro Level 4, Day 2

Doubt. I doubted I had the energy to do today's meditation! But I had a very effective meditation, despite being rather exhausted. I felt doubt that I could handle working from 10 to 10 Friday. Doubt that I could handle being away from Oliver, Michelle, and Jamie. Or doubting that Michelle could handle being alone all day.

There were feelings of loneliness. Not quite loneliness, but rather I was so able to be calm and meditate, that everything close to me felt at a distance, and the weight of being without those things and people had a tinge of something I can only describe as sadness. And yet the feeling wasn't negative, it just was.

Pro Level 4, Day 1

I spent the early part of the exercise noticing that I was very energetic in the mind. I kept bringing my attention back to the exercise but it was like the puppy described a few days ago — there was no keeping focus for very long. Perhaps not coincidentally, the wind is rattling our windows like crazy.

This exercise was about doubt, and for much of the exercise I considered whether any of my wanderings embodied doubt. It didn't feel like they did. But as soon as the exercise was over, a chill went up my spine when I realize how profoundly doubt still pervades my music making and learning. Something deep to consider over the next 10 days.

Pro Level 3, Day 9

When you're trying to see something, don't just say what you think. Really stop to see.

Pro Level 3, Day 8

Focusing on each breath as its own exercise tapped me into this incredible state where my mind had never felt so relaxed. Everything was free and there was a bubbly sensation. But I was so tired I almost literally dreamed for the second half of the exercise!

Pro Level 3, Day 7

Such an important lesson: Look and see what's there without expecting what you're going to see.  I expected my body to be really tense after so many chores today, but when I forced myself to just look, I found I wasn't tense at all — it was all projection.

I took up the experiment of taking each breath as its own exercise, and that was very effective.  I ended my meditation right on time, for the first time.

Pro Level 2, Day 8

Meditating as a father was an interesting experience. I was actually very focused and very easily and playfully able to put the many thoughts of birth and Oliver aside. But, I was so tired that I kept falling asleep and dreaming about it anyway.