A long time has passed since I last journaled.  Basically, Oliver was born, and it's gotten harder and harder to consistently meditate each day.  I'll find stretches where I can do it, but stretches where I can't are common enough.  The reason is that our mornings are largely spoken for (yes, even to the minute, let alone 10–20 minutes), and I don't feel comfortable meditating and leaving Oliver alone.

Anyway, I'm getting back into it with the original Take 10 series, and it's feeling great!  One thing I noticed today is that I do feel like I can be present and curious with each breath in a way I couldn't before.  Like, the idea was to treat each breath as something new, but I kind of had to force that idea, because a part of me felt, "But really this is almost identical to the last breath.".  I might have been missing the forest for the trees, looking too close to the breath, rather than focusing on the experience of the breath, which really did feel new each time today.

Pro Level 4, Day 2

Doubt. I doubted I had the energy to do today's meditation! But I had a very effective meditation, despite being rather exhausted. I felt doubt that I could handle working from 10 to 10 Friday. Doubt that I could handle being away from Oliver, Michelle, and Jamie. Or doubting that Michelle could handle being alone all day.

There were feelings of loneliness. Not quite loneliness, but rather I was so able to be calm and meditate, that everything close to me felt at a distance, and the weight of being without those things and people had a tinge of something I can only describe as sadness. And yet the feeling wasn't negative, it just was.

Pro Level 4, Day 1

I spent the early part of the exercise noticing that I was very energetic in the mind. I kept bringing my attention back to the exercise but it was like the puppy described a few days ago — there was no keeping focus for very long. Perhaps not coincidentally, the wind is rattling our windows like crazy.

This exercise was about doubt, and for much of the exercise I considered whether any of my wanderings embodied doubt. It didn't feel like they did. But as soon as the exercise was over, a chill went up my spine when I realize how profoundly doubt still pervades my music making and learning. Something deep to consider over the next 10 days.

Pro Level 3, Day 9

When you're trying to see something, don't just say what you think. Really stop to see.

Pro Level 3, Day 8

Focusing on each breath as its own exercise tapped me into this incredible state where my mind had never felt so relaxed. Everything was free and there was a bubbly sensation. But I was so tired I almost literally dreamed for the second half of the exercise!

Pro Level 3, Day 7

Such an important lesson: Look and see what's there without expecting what you're going to see.  I expected my body to be really tense after so many chores today, but when I forced myself to just look, I found I wasn't tense at all — it was all projection.

I took up the experiment of taking each breath as its own exercise, and that was very effective.  I ended my meditation right on time, for the first time.

Pro Level 2, Day 8

Meditating as a father was an interesting experience. I was actually very focused and very easily and playfully able to put the many thoughts of birth and Oliver aside. But, I was so tired that I kept falling asleep and dreaming about it anyway.

Pro Level 2, Day 2

Today was a nice meditation for a morning. I was very aware of my posture, and how with each exhale my posture would relax. Not the point of the exercise but I was thankful for it because I started the exercise with a bit of tension and tightness in the whole body. 

This is something I've come to realize about morning meditation: the body begins stiff, and the mind begins dreamy. It's much harder to focus in the morning than later in the day. There are more definite things to think of later in the day, but also the mind is less sleepy and drifty. 

Pro, Day 9

I haven't journalled in quite some time, as I'm not sure I had any experiences I really felt I wanted to record.  Of course there were days of more focus or less focus, days of calm and days of agitation, but for the most part meditation has been going smoothly.

Especially the pro pack.  I feel like I do better with the unguided meditations than the guided ones... until today!  Well, it was to be expected.  I know when I am just too tired to do anything, even meditate.  My mind was as chattery and wandery as it possibly could be.  I've experienced this before, so I knew I was in store for it.  I was also experiencing a lot of physical discomfort.  Nevertheless, I'm grateful for having challenged myself in this way.

Change, Day 7

A difficult experience.  My day began with pee pain, which wasn't great.  Then I browsed Facebook for a long time, and Googled some of my symptoms before finally starting the meditation.  I was very distracted, and when I looked at my body and emotions found that I had something like anxiety.  It was the first time I've ever had an identifiable emotion during that part of the exercise!

I was distracted during the breathing, and tried to bring my attention back to the breath as gently as possible, but by the end of the exercise I felt like I'd been involved in a struggle, and still felt quite anxious.

I'm going to do some physical exercise now, which will perhaps allow me to let some of this go.  But in any case I'm going to be mindful of myself today, and hopefully I'll be able to observe the end of the anxiety!

Change, Day 6

Today my goal was to use my greater focus and awareness to help me exercise.

Also, I came to a realization that it's easy to switych from focusing on breathing, inhaling and exhaling, to the "idea" of these things.  Once the breath has become conceptualized, it's easy for the mind to wander.  So I'm taking the experiment of being more present in the physical experience all the time!

Change, Day 5

Today's exercise was on noticing the ends of emotions as much as the beginnings of them.  My predominant emotion today was eagerness: I was eager to get on with my day and do this and that.  The truth is, I want to do everything I'm doing today, so I don't need to be eager and rush into everything.  So I was happy to take a moment to focus on my breath and let that eagerness melt away.

Change, Day 4

After a few days of quite difficult physical and mental focus (yet successfully meditating and living despite this!), I slept in this morning and feel quite rested and focused!  What a clear mind and body for today's meditation.  I couldn't help but think briefly of all the things I wanted to do with that focus!

The powerful image today was resting the mind on the breath, as if my consciousness was buoyed by the breath.  Seeing the breath as waves was incredibly relaxing and focusing.

Day 28

Yesterday the idea was raised to be present when moving from sitting to standing or vice versa.  That was quite difficult!  Also, yesterday, I was more exhausted than I've been in quite some time — Shani pointed it out, and I felt it.  Whenever I got to 10 in my breath counting, I was asleep.

This morning was a very different experience.  I visualized all the ideas in my head as physical objects, and as I sat down to meditate, I visualized myself placing them all around me.  Within arms reach, but still placed down.  That was such an effective frame in which to do my meditation.

Day 25

Today I sat on the floor.  It was fine for my butt and legs, though I started to get a little stretch in my mid-back.  My mind was dancy, as it has been lately, but I was pretty able to bring my focus back to my breath.

Day 24

Today my body was rather stiff. It was difficult to feel the weight of my body, and to release into the breath. Perhaps accordingly, my mind also had a lot to think about. Mainly thoughts of calling the urologist, because my first experience of the day was my pee pain! I also specifically thought about different ways I can make more space for Michelle in my mind during the day, which makes me happy.

Day 23

Today my body was quite stiff.  It was not so easy to concentrate at first, but I was filled with love for Michelle, which is a great feeling.  I tried especially hard to focus for the body scan, which is not my forte!  When we got to the breathing part, it's never been so easy to be still in my mind.

Day 21

This was my first time meditating about waking up.  Physically, it was hard.  My breathing is very difficult today, so I felt the entire time like I was running out of breath.  Nevertheless, it was very satisfying to do 20 minutes today.  It was enough time to find the rhythm in the breath.  My mind started going deeper, further back, into some college times.

The idea of this next set of meditations is to bring thoughtfulness and presence into the things we do today.  I'll be shopping, walking the dog, coaching, teaching a piano lesson, studying how to make apps, probably listening to Iolanthe, and exercising at least.  Here we go!

Day 20

I remember feeling a good blend of relaxation and focus.  My body was comfortable, my mind was still.

Day 18

Today I was fairly stiff/tense (more about that in a minute), but nevertheless quite relaxed.  Probably overly relaxed!  If anything I felt my mind more inclined to drift in a happy way.  Nothing anxious, nothing high-pitched.  There was also no resistance to coming back to the breath.  Midway through the exercise I stopped counting to pay a little more attention to the quality of the breath.

Interestingly, by the end I felt quite short of breath, in that stiff way I sometimes get.  I'm starting to have more of a sense that my health problems relate to my breathing.  That could affect sleep quality, it could explain all those cramps doing exercises as a kid.  And it explains how I get at the piano sometimes or when singing.

I've been playing a lot of Schumann lately, and I hold my breath SO MUCH when I play his music.  It's astounding.  I'm specifically going to try to focus more on breath while I play and practice.

Also I am going to go to my doctor and ask about breathing.  And follow up with a voice teacher.

Day 17

Yesterday, my body was very uncomfortable, and most of my energy was spent trying to focus on my breath and not passing out.  Afterwards, I exercised, and then for several hours I was a useless blob.  By the evening, I felt like a full human being... it takes me 12 hours to wake up maybe?  Hm.

Today, by contrast, my sitting position was SO comfortable.  I felt for the first time like my body had weight, that it was just existing on the chair and the floor, and I could feel the points of contact as points of rest and balance, rather than pain.

I was so comfortable, in fact, that my mind was freely wandering, like a happy bunny rabbit.  I thought of all the things I wanted to do, not in any sort of obsessive way, but just in a calm way.  (This is also different from Day 15, where I meditated right before midnight, amidst all the chatter about the election.  My mind was abuzz with thoughts!)

Why I'm meditating

I'm meditating because I love to explore all the dimensions of each moment.  I love being present in each moment, so I can savor it, splash around in it, question it, wonder about it.  Presence of mind leads to distance and perspective, and I appreciate the ability to not be wrapped up in most of the feelings or experiences that come along.  The moments where I get swept away are so much more visceral this way.

Having more perspective gives me more patience.  Patience with myself, with Michelle, with my brother, with my friends, with my work, with my art.  It gives me the space to be open to what all these people (myself included) need.  It makes me a better artist, a better friend, a better brother and partner, a better self.

Meditation Journal

17 days ago, I started using the Headspace meditation program.  I've really been enjoying the journey so far, and decided it might be fun to journal a bit of what I'm finding and feeling.